The Myth of ‘Settling In’: A Therapist's Guide to the Real Expat Journey

How long does it take to really settle in?"

It's a question I'm often asked, both as a therapist to expats in Paris and as someone who has lived abroad for nearly two decades. We crave a finish line, a point on the map where the disorientation stops and we can finally say, "I've arrived. I'm settled."

But the longer I live this life, and the more I witness the journeys of others, the more I've come to believe that "settling in" is a myth. The idea of a linear, forward journey of integration is a comforting story, but it doesn't match the beautiful, chaotic, and often contradictory reality. The real journey is a constant dance of falling into and out of love with an adopted culture.

Let's unpack the famous models of expat adjustment and talk about what they get right, what they get wrong, and what the real, ongoing journey of integration actually feels like.

The Classic Story: The U-Curve of Adjustment

If you've ever researched expat life, you've likely come across the U-Curve. Developed in the 1950s, it's a simple model that describes the emotional stages of moving to a new country. It looks like this:

• The Honeymoon Phase: The initial period is often filled with adventure, discovery, and novelty. Everything is new and exciting, and you may even romanticize your host country. As I often say, "ignorance is bliss," and in this phase, the newness is literally spiking your brain with dopamine.

• The Crisis (or Culture Shock): After a while, the scales fall from your eyes. The challenges of daily life set in—language barriers, bureaucratic nightmares, cultural misunderstandings. You may feel incompetent, lonely, or isolated. This is the period of the "expat blues," where homesickness is real and the stress hormone cortisol can run high.

• The Recovery and Adjustment: Eventually, you start to find your footing. You develop local knowledge, your language skills improve, you build friendships and routines. You begin to reconcile the difference between your expectations and the reality of your new life, leading to a sense of adjustment and integration.

This model is a useful starting point because it names a common and valid experience. But its simplicity is also its biggest flaw.

Why the U-Curve Is a Lie (Or, at Best, a Half-Truth)

The biggest problem with the U-Curve is its linearity. It suggests that you move through these stages once, in order, and then you're done. My experience tells a very different story.

Real life is a constant series of micro U-curves. You are always learning new things, having fresh revelations, and needing to integrate them. You can be fully integrated in your professional life after just a few months, but still be deep in the "crisis" phase of your social life for years. You are not at one single point on the curve; you are at all of them, all at once, in different areas of your life.

This journey never truly ends. Even after a decade, a new experience—like marriage, parenthood, or a career change in your adopted country—can plunge you right back into a state of profound culture shock. The idea that you "settle in" and the work is finished is a myth that can make us feel like we're failing when these inevitable challenges arise.

A More Useful Model: Integration as an Active Choice

A more nuanced way to think about this comes from researcher John Berry's model of acculturation. He suggests that we are constantly making choices based on two key questions:

1. How much do I want to maintain my original (native) culture?

2. How much do I want to engage with my new (host) culture?

Based on the answers, four paths can emerge:

• Integration: Valuing both your native and host cultures, creating a blended, hybrid identity.

• Assimilation: Abandoning your native culture to fully adopt the host culture.

• Separation: Valuing only your native culture and living separately from the host culture.

• Marginalization: Feeling disconnected from both cultures, leading to a sense of being lost.

Berry's model is so powerful because it frames acculturation not as a passive process, but as a series of active, ongoing choices. Happiness and a solid sense of self often come from integration—finding a way to honour who you were while embracing who you are becoming.

The Real Journey: Cultural Grief and the Third Culture

Even on the path of integration, there is an often-unspoken emotional cost: cultural grief.

Over the years, every time you go back to your home country, you might feel more and more like a visitor. The jokes are different, the cultural references are foreign, and you realize you no longer quite belong.

But this doesn't mean you feel fully part of your new country either. This can leave you in a disorienting middle space. You might not feel Australian anymore, but that doesn't necessarily mean you feel French.

This is the rollercoaster of a long-term international life. The way it often resolves is in the embrace of a third culture identity. You find peace in the fluidity. You become comfortable with having split parts of your identity and feeling at home in both—and neither—of them. "Home" ceases to be a single place on a map and becomes a more complex, internal concept that you carry within you.

A Final Thought: Learn to Ride the Waves

So, my advice to new expats and long-term immigrants is this: stop trying to "settle in." Release yourself from the pressure of a finish line that doesn't exist.

Instead, embrace the reality of the journey. Know that it will be an up-and-down, non-linear, emotional rollercoaster. Be prepared for the crashes, but also be open to the unexpected highs. And through it all, remember that the goal isn't to arrive at a fixed destination. The goal is to learn how to ride the waves.

If you are an expat or immigrant navigating the emotional complexities of life abroad and need support, I offer therapy sessions in Paris and online. You can learn more on my website.