"Why It’s OK Not to Be OK: Understanding Emotional Resilience in Therapy
During a recent therapy session, a client confided that they were feeling deeply discouraged. They'd made significant progress over the past year, yet found themselves suddenly caught in a wave of old emotions they thought they'd left behind.
This experience is more common than many people realise. In fact, it's part of the therapeutic journey.
Why We Seek Therapy in the First Place
People usually turn to therapy because they are grappling with complex issues that can't be solved overnight. Therapy often involves exploring discomfort, processing difficult emotions, and working towards personal growth. Sometimes, the work isn't about fixing something, but rather learning to accept and adapt to situations that are beyond our control.
In this client's case, they came to therapy because they wanted more satisfaction in their personal life. Professionally, they were thriving—years of hard work had brought them stability and success. But with that stability came the space (and the courage) to look inwards.
Together, we worked on helping them connect with their inner emotional world. This involved exploring feelings in a deep and honest way, and encouraging them to step outside their comfort zone to experience life differently. Over time, they developed tools to face uncomfortable emotions more calmly, rather than avoiding them.
Progress Isn't Linear—and That's OK
For nearly a year, this client had been on a journey of self-discovery and emotional growth. They described feeling calmer, more empowered, and better able to live life on their own terms—both in big decisions and in daily moments. While there had been challenges, the overall theme of their journey was one of feeling better every day.
And then, suddenly, something happened. An event in their life triggered emotions they hadn't felt in a long time. It was like being thrown back to where they'd started.
In therapy, we often see this. Progress is rarely a straight line. Growth can feel exhilarating, but it doesn't make us immune to life's inevitable ups and downs.
Common Fears When Old Feelings Resurface
When this client experienced a setback, they were flooded with fear and doubt:
Have I lost all that I've gained over the past year?
Am I going to be stuck feeling like this forever?
I thought I'd become stronger. Does this mean I'm weak?
These are normal questions, and if you've ever asked them yourself, you're not alone.
But here's what they eventually came to understand (and what therapy helped reinforce): setbacks are not failures. They are simply part of life. Even with the best coping strategies, we will all have moments that test us.
What Therapy Really Changes
At its core, therapy is about change. But it doesn't change what we feel. Human beings are wired to experience the full spectrum of emotions—including the painful ones. Therapy doesn't stop us from feeling sadness, anxiety, or fear. In fact, self-awareness gained through therapy can make us even more conscious of these feelings when they arise.
What therapy does offer are tools to navigate these emotions differently.
We learn to manage anxiety or adversity without spiralling into catastrophe.
We gain the ability to accept our imperfections with compassion rather than criticism.
We develop perspective that helps us create a life where pleasant emotional experiences are more frequent, but not forced.
Over time, these tools strengthen into emotional resilience.
Emotional Resilience Is the Goal—Not Constant Happiness
Emotional resilience is the ability to weather life's emotional storms without losing ourselves. It's the strength to feel sadness without believing it will never pass. It's the understanding that feeling "not OK" doesn't mean we're broken. It simply means we're human.
As my client discovered, the discouragement they felt was temporary. A few weeks later, they were able to look back on that moment with clarity and self-compassion. They hadn't lost their progress—they'd gained a deeper understanding of themselves.
Final Thoughts
If you're in therapy, or thinking about starting, remember: it's OK not to be OK. Therapy isn't about erasing difficult emotions; it's about learning to face them with greater strength and grace.
And if you find yourself back in a difficult place after feeling like you've made progress, know that this is part of the journey. Progress in therapy is not always linear, but it is always meaningful.
Reflection Questions
When was the last time I allowed myself to not be OK without feeling guilty or ashamed about it? What did I learn from that experience?
What emotions do I find hardest to sit with, and how do I usually react when they show up?
Have I ever mistaken a temporary setback for failure? How did that belief impact my mood or actions at the time?
What tools or strategies have helped me cope with difficult emotions in the past? How might I build on those to strengthen my emotional resilience?
In what ways has my self-awareness grown over time? Has it changed how I respond to life's challenges?
What would it mean for me to accept life's emotional ups and downs as a natural part of personal growth? How might that shift the way I view my own progress?
Interested in learning more about how therapy can help you build emotional resilience?