Understanding Alexithymia: Why Some Emotions Are Hard to Name

Alexithymia (alex-e-thy-mia) is a word more people should know. It describes a common but often overlooked experience — a difficulty in identifying, understanding, and expressing emotions.

Clinically, alexithymia often appears alongside mental illness, trauma, neurodivergence, or developmental differences. But you don't need a diagnosis to relate. At its core, it's simply a disconnect from one's emotional life — a kind of emotional "blind spot" that affects how we relate to ourselves and others.

The word comes from Greek roots: a (not) + lexis (words) + thymos (emotion or heart). Literally: "a heart that doesn't speak."

It's More Common Than You Think

Some studies suggest around 10% of the population experiences alexithymia. But in reality, many more people encounter aspects of it — especially those with histories of trauma, cultural conditioning, or emotional neglect.

There's even a term for how this shows up particularly among men: Male Normative Alexithymia (MNA). Boys are often raised to suppress emotional awareness, leading to adult men who can't easily identify what they feel, let alone talk about it.

Whatever your gender, ask yourself:

Does this sound like me?

A Common Scenario: Alexithymia in Relationships

You're the "easy-going" partner. You don't rock the boat. Your friends and loved ones appreciate how chilled out you are. Most of the time, you're genuinely content.

But sometimes, without warning, you get hit by a wave of unease. You don't know where it came from. Was it something your partner said a few days ago? Work stress? Family stuff? Hormones? The weather?

Eventually, you realise it was something your partner said — several days ago. It hurt. And only now has that hurt caught up with you.

You try to talk about it. But they're confused — they barely remember the moment. You remind them, and that hurts too. How could they forget something that impacted you so much?

They ask: "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

You don't really know.

That's alexithymia in action — a delay or difficulty in tracking your emotional response, often until long after the moment has passed.

Other Everyday Signs of Alexithymia

• You find it easier to relate to music or films than to your own emotional life.

• When asked how you feel, you tend to say, "I'm fine," or "I don't know."

• You feel emotionally "flat" or disconnected during significant events.

• You struggle to tell the difference between anxiety and hunger, or anger and tiredness.

• In therapy or journaling, you focus more on facts than feelings.

• You have trouble naming more than 2–3 emotions in a day.

If Any of This Resonates, Here's What You Can Do

You don't have to stay emotionally disconnected. Emotional fluency can be learned and developed with practice — like a muscle.

Here are a few gentle ways to start reconnecting with your emotional self:

1. Daily Emotional Check-Ins

Each morning or evening, pause to ask:

1. What emotions have I felt today? Can I name at least three?
2. Where in my body do I notice tension or ease?
3. What triggered any emotional shifts?

Use tools like the Emotion Wheel to help expand your vocabulary. Try picking a new word each day and describing a time you felt it.

2. Try These Simple Reflections

1. When did I feel most grounded this week? Most disconnected?
2. What do I tend to do when I don't know what I'm feeling?
3. What helps me get clearer about my emotions?

You can jot these down in a journal, voice memo, or simply reflect during a walk.

3. Body-Based Awareness Practices

Your body often knows what you're feeling before your mind catches up.

Try:

• A body scan meditation from Tara Brach – "Mindful Body Scan" (10 minutes).

• Gentle yoga or mindful movement.

• Taking a few moments of quiet each day to notice sensations without judgement.

Movement and sport can be especially useful — studies show a strong connection between physical activity and emotional awareness.

4. Use Music, Film, or Art as Emotional Bridges

One neighbour once told me that as a child, music helped her feel emotions she couldn't otherwise access. For people with alexithymia, emotional responses to art can be a powerful gateway.

Let yourself notice: What scenes, lyrics, or moments move you? What do they awaken in you?

5. Try Guided Meditations for Emotional Self-Compassion

• Saying Yes to Life (Sadhguru, 10 min) – Soft and spiritual.

• Basic Body Scan (UCLA) – Research-backed and grounding.

• Self-Compassion Break (Kristin Neff) – For tough moments.

Choose what fits your style — new age or research-based. There's no wrong door.

6. Track Your Mood Over Time

In this video (publishing soon), I explain a simple tool that helped me reconnect with my feelings in my late 20s — a time when I did not have access to therapy but needed something to guide me.

You'll find a free downloadable template, plus tips on using mood tracking to uncover patterns and better understand yourself: Free Mood Chart Template

Final Thoughts: You're Not Alone

Many of us weren't taught how to name our feelings. Some of us had to learn to survive by disconnecting from them. But healing is possible. Emotional awareness is not a fixed trait — it's a practice.

If you think you might be experiencing alexithymia, or if this post resonated in any way, know that support is available. You can work with a therapist, journal, move your body, or even start by watching a film that moves you.

Start small. And listen in.