How to Stop People-Pleasing and Reconnect with Your True Self

Many people go through life feeling a little unsure of who they really are. They might describe themselves as adaptable, easy-going, or flexible. And while these can be strengths, there's sometimes a deeper story behind them—especially if they're accompanied by feelings of resentment, confusion, or disconnection.

As an English-speaking therapist in Paris, I often work with people who feel a lack of solidity in their identity. Some have spent years going along with others, saying "yes" when they really mean "no," or agreeing to things they don't fully want. Over time, they begin to feel out of touch with their own preferences and needs. It's as if they've lost contact with their true self.

If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone. The good news is, you can reconnect with yourself. You can develop a stronger, clearer sense of identity. In this post, I'll explore why this happens, how it impacts your life, and—most importantly—how you can start rediscovering your preferences and building a sense of integrity in who you are.

Why Do We Lose Touch with Ourselves?

Often, this pattern starts early in life. You may have grown up in an environment where keeping the peace was more important than expressing yourself. Perhaps you felt stuck between big, aggressive personalities and learned that the easiest way to avoid conflict was to stay quiet and go along. In these situations, becoming the peacemaker or the "easy child" was often a survival strategy.

For some people, this carries into adulthood. It might show up in relationships, friendships, or even at work. You might find yourself prioritising other people's needs, opinions, and emotions over your own. You might second-guess your choices or feel unsure about what you truly like or want.

For expats, this can be even more complicated. Living abroad, you're constantly adapting—new culture, new language, new social circles. It can feel easier (or safer) to blend in and accommodate others rather than risk standing out by asserting your preferences.

The Hidden Cost of Always Going with the Flow

At first, being agreeable can feel rewarding. People may like you for being easy-going. You avoid conflict. You keep the peace. But over time, something starts to feel off.

You might begin to notice:

• A growing sense of frustration or resentment in your relationships.

• A feeling that others don't really know you.

• Moments of burnout or exhaustion from always trying to please.

• A sense of emptiness or confusion about who you really are and what matters to you.

Without a solid sense of self, it's hard to feel grounded. And when we're not grounded, it's tough to make decisions, set boundaries, or feel truly connected in our relationships.

How to Rediscover Your Preferences: A Step-by-Step Guide

Reconnecting with yourself doesn't have to be complicated. In fact, small, consistent steps can make a big difference. Here's a simple guide I often share with my therapy clients in Paris.

1. Notice Your Reactions

Start paying attention to how your body and emotions respond in different situations. Do you feel light and energized, or heavy and drained? Did you say "yes" to something when part of you was quietly saying "no"?

Try this: At the end of each day, jot down one moment where you followed someone else's lead. How did it feel?

2. Experiment with Small Choices

Rebuild your decision-making muscle by making small choices that are just for you. What do you want for lunch? Which route feels better on your walk home?

Try this: Give yourself permission to choose without needing a reason. Sometimes, "just because I feel like it" is enough.

3. Reflect on What You Used to Love

Often, our true preferences are buried under years of people-pleasing. Think back to times in your life when you felt most "you." What music did you love? What activities made you lose track of time?

Try this: Make a list of hobbies or interests you had as a child or teenager. Is there one small way you can reconnect with them today?

4. Practice Speaking Your Preferences Out Loud

Even saying something as simple as "I'd prefer tea instead of coffee" can feel surprisingly vulnerable when you're not used to it. Start small, and notice how it feels to express what you want.

Try this: In one conversation today, share a preference, even if it's a tiny one.

5. Set Gentle Boundaries

As you get clearer on what you want, you might realise there are times when you need to say "no." That's okay. Setting boundaries isn't about pushing people away—it's about making space for your authentic self to show up.

Try this: Next time you feel stretched too thin, practice saying, "I can't do that right now" or "I need a bit more time to think about it."

Building a Stronger, More Solid Sense of Self

As you start tuning in to your preferences and expressing them, you're laying the groundwork for a more solid, integrated sense of self. Over time, you'll notice:

• More confidence in making decisions.

• Deeper, more authentic connections with others.

• Less resentment and frustration.

• A feeling of being grounded in who you are, no matter where life takes you.

And remember: being flexible and considerate is still a strength. But it shouldn't come at the cost of abandoning yourself.

Six Reflection Questions to Help You Reconnect with Your Preferences and Sense of Self

1. When was the last time you made a decision just because it felt right to you—without worrying about what others might think? What was that like?
   

2. Are there situations or people where you often find yourself agreeing to things you don't truly want? What feelings come up when you think about that?
   

3. Think back to your childhood or teenage years. What activities, hobbies, or interests made you feel most alive and 'yourself'? Are they still part of your life now?
   

4. What small choices in your daily life could you make differently to reflect your preferences more clearly?
   

5. How do you feel when you say "no" or express a different opinion from those around you? What makes it easier—or harder—for you to do this?

6. If you were completely free from expectations—yours or anyone else's—what would you spend more time doing in your life?
   

Final Thoughts: You Don't Have to Do This Alone

Rediscovering yourself is a process. It takes practice, patience, and sometimes support. If you're struggling with people-pleasing, boundaries, or identity issues—and especially if you're navigating these challenges as an expat in Paris—it's okay to reach out for help.

As an English-speaking therapist based in Paris, I work with individuals who are ready to reconnect with themselves and build lives that feel meaningful and authentic. If you'd like to explore this further, I'd be happy to speak with you.

If you're ready to start your journey toward a stronger sense of self, get in touch.
Contact me to schedule a free 20-minute consultation