Positive Communication: A Simple Shift That Can Transform Your Relationship
Communication is at the heart of every healthy relationship. Yet many couples struggle with expressing how they feel and what they need, especially during difficult conversations. As an English-speaking couples counsellor in Paris, one of the powerful tools I introduce to couples is something called positive communication.
If you've ever felt misunderstood or frustrated in your relationship, learning this simple communication technique can make a world of difference.
What Is Positive Communication in Relationships?
When most people hear positive communication, they think it means only saying nice things or avoiding conflict. But positive communication doesn't mean ignoring your feelings or sugar-coating the truth. It's about being clear, honest, and constructive in how you express yourself—especially when emotions are running high.
In fact, a common behaviour I see in couples therapy here in Paris is that people often soften their emotions by being vague.
They might say:
I'm not happy about this.
I don't like it when you do that.
While these statements may seem polite, they leave a lot open to interpretation. Is your partner supposed to guess if you're angry, sad, frustrated, or disappointed?
Positive communication changes this dynamic. Instead of focusing on what's wrong or what you don't want, it focuses on:
What's really going on for you
What you do want or need
How your partner can understand and support you better
Why Is Positive Communication So Important for Couples?
Imagine this simple conversation about the weather:
- Positive statement: "It's cloudy."
- Negative statement: "It's not raining."
Both are technically true, but one gives a clearer picture. Knowing it's cloudy helps you understand the situation. Knowing it's not raining leaves a lot to the imagination. It could be sunny, windy, snowing; who knows?
Both positive and negative statements have their place in human communication. Clarifying the nots is an important part of life. "I'm sorry sir, I don't understand you," is a helpful phrase to have on hand and "don't put leaded petrol in the motorbike," could save you an expensive repair.
In a general sense, however, when we are communicating the nature of a thing, positive statements have far more informational value than negative ones. As with the previously cited example of the weather, the positive statement describes unambiguously what the weather is, rather than one of the many things it is not.
The same is true for emotional communication.
I am angry about what you said.
Is much clearer than:
I'm not pleased with what you said.
The first statement might be seem blunt, but it is direct and clear phrasing gives your partner an unambiguous understanding of your emotional experience. The second statement might seem polite, or gentle, but will ultimately leaves your partner guessing—and that can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and distance.
If you want to soften your expression, think about doing so with your body language, tone of voice and speed of communication, rather than compromising on the meaning of what you say.
As an experienced couples therapist working with international couples in Paris, I often see how clearer communication leads to more emotional connection and fewer misunderstandings.
How to Practice Positive Communication With Your Partner
If you and your partner are English-speaking expats living in Paris, you might be navigating not just relationship challenges, but also the stress of living abroad. That makes communication even more important. Here are some practical tips to start using positive communication today.
1. Be Clear About Your Feelings
Instead of: I'm not happy. (vague)
Try: I feel frustrated because we're not spending much time together. (clear)
2. Ask for What You Want, Not Just What You Don't Want
Instead of: Don't leave your socks on the floor. (negative command)
Try: Could you put your socks in the hamper when you take them off? (positive request)
If conversations like this are a recurring theme in your relationship, there is a danger of falling into a pattern where one partner is feeling nagged while the other is feeling disrespected and unseen. To defuse that, the following technique could help.
3. Focus on Empowering Statements
Empowering your partner to make choices, rather than feeling micromanaged, can make a big difference.
Can you help me make this space feel calmer by keeping things tidy in the way we agreed?
This approach encourages teamwork instead of criticism. It gives your partner the freedom to decide what "keeping things tidy" means for them as well as a guide ("the way we agreed"). Instead of telling your partner exactly what they should be doing on a granular level, you're giving them the responsibility to think for themselves.
The Hidden Danger of Too Many Negative Statements
In couples counselling, I often help clients notice their patterns. One common issue? Overusing negative statements. For example:
Don't do that.
I don't like it when you say that.
These are useful for setting boundaries, but if they dominate your communication, your partner might start to feel like they're always getting it wrong. This can lead to, shame, defensiveness and with enough time a sense of hopelessness that nothing will ever be good enough.
Positive communication balances things out by offering guidance on what would help, instead of just pointing out what hurts.
Positive Communication Builds Connection and Intimacy
When you express clearly what makes you feel loved, supported, and appreciated, it gives your partner the roadmap they need to strengthen your relationship.
Try saying:
- I feel really loved when you take time to check in with me.
- It means a lot when we make time for just the two of us.
- I feel close to you when we go for walks and talk.
These positive statements create connection, intimacy, and trust—something every couple can benefit from, especially when living far from home.
Remember, it Takes Two to Tango
If you notice your partner retreating into unclear or hurtful communication patterns, help them with a gentle reminder.
It might be enough to just ask a clarifying question. I can hear you're not happy, how are you feeling?
If they're not getting the message, don't hesitate to be more explicit but remember, you can do it using positive communication. After all you've read in this blog post, I'm sure you can think of a a positive way to reframe this statement: you never tell me what I'm doing right.
Ready to Improve Communication in Your Relationship?
As an English-speaking couples counsellor in Paris, I work with couples from all over the world who want to strengthen their connection, improve communication, and navigate the challenges of life abroad.
If you're struggling to feel heard or understood in your relationship, positive communication can be the key to creating deeper connection and understanding.
Book a Session Today
I offer couples counselling in English, both in-person in Paris and online. Whether you're living here as an expat couple or navigating the complexities of an international relationship, I'm here to help.