"Celebrate yourself! Come on!"
I sing this, badly, at the start of my latest video, and I realize how much easier it is to say those words than to actually feel them. I spent the first two and a half decades of my life completely unable to celebrate myself, and I had to consciously learn how.
If you struggle with this, you are far from alone. This isn't a simple guide on what to do — buy a present, book a massage — we all know the what.
This is about the why.
Why is it so hard to feel good about our own achievements?
The answer is more complex and compassionate than you might think.
When we are unable to celebrate ourselves, it's not because we are broken or masochistic. It's often because we are deploying a highly sophisticated, but now outdated, protective mechanism learned in childhood. It shows up in many different voices:
The Minimizer: "Oh, it wasn't a big deal. Anyone could have done it." If you grew up in an environment where your accomplishments were ignored, learning to downplay them was a brilliant way to protect yourself from the pain of disappointment.
The Perfectionist: "Sure, I got 90%, but what about that other 10%?" If praise was only given for flawless performance, learning to focus on your mistakes was a strategy to keep pushing and stay in your parents' good graces.
The Humble One: "I don't want to seem arrogant or make others feel bad." If you were raised in a family or culture where standing out was seen as dangerous or shameful (the "tall poppy syndrome"), learning to make yourself small was a vital tool for social survival.
The Workhorse: "I just did what I was supposed to do. Why should I get praised for that?" If you were forced into a caregiver role as a child, you learned to see your effort not as something to be valued, but as a baseline duty.
Do any of these sound familiar? These are not character flaws. These were brilliant survival strategies that kept you safe in the specific environment you grew up in. The problem is that this old security system is still running, even though the original threat is long gone. Now, it's the very thing that is robbing you of the joy, pride, and satisfaction you have earned in your adult life.
So, how do you begin to untangle these old habits?
The first step is to understand what got in the way of you learning this skill in the first place. Reflect on your childhood. Was pride conflated with arrogance? Were you constantly compared to others? Was your success ignored? Understanding the origins of the pattern helps you see it as a learned behavior, not a fundamental truth about who you are.
Learning to celebrate starts with the feeling that what you do is enough. It doesn't need to be perfect or impressive. You can celebrate yourself for buying the groceries, for going for a walk, for getting to work on time — or for not getting to work on time and not completely freaking out about it. Your daily life is full of small, imperfect acts that are worthy of acknowledgment.
Actively practice a new internal dialogue. Say things to yourself like, "That was hard for me, and I did it. I showed up, and that's what counts. It's okay to feel good about that." Over time, this literally rewires your brain's emotional associations.
Here's an activity: write a list of your recent achievements, factually. Then, read the list back as if it were written by a friend. What would you say to them? I guarantee it would be far kinder than what you say to yourself. That kindness is the road map for the new voice you want to cultivate.
Learning to celebrate yourself is like tuning a rusty instrument. At first, the notes will feel strange. They might not ring true. That's not a sign you're doing it wrong; it's a sign you are growing.
With kindness and gentle repetition, the music will start to sound more beautiful. Your worth doesn't need to be earned. Celebrating yourself isn't about ego; it's about acknowledging your own humanity.
Your challenge for today: try celebrating yourself for one small thing you've already done. Feel the weirdness, and do it anyway. Congratulations. You've already started.
What happens when we step outside the culture we were raised in? Between Worlds: Reflections on Culture, Identity, and Living Abroad is a five-part series exploring how life abroad reshapes our sense of self, belonging, and how we relate to others.
If you've just returned from studying abroad, how are you? No, really. How are you doing?
What happens when we step outside the culture we were raised in? Between Worlds: Reflections on Culture, Identity, and Living Abroad is a five-part series exploring how life abroad reshapes our sense of self, belonging, and how we relate to others.